BY DAN KENNEDY
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Tell us why you’d love to be part of our team!
I’ve wanted to be part of something for so long, there’s this hole in me I try to hide, something I’ve jammed everything at; empty calories and half-hearted sex, travel and spending, starting and ending, any god’s guarantees… Now, I ask you, what if all along it was as simple as joining this company to fill the part of me missing? What if some deranged wiring or disease has forced me to isolate myself away instead of considering being part of a team like the one here at your company? I feel pretty good right now, and I’m not even officially part of anything. Just even filling out this application is fixing me. How weird would it be if it turned out I don’t even need the money, that I just need to be part of something, and I’ve idealized your team? That should be a movie. There’s probably a Preston Sturges movie like that.
Tell us a bit about some of your strengths
that you would bring to your work here.
A head on fire, a heart speeding through what days are left for me, a one hundred and forty beat per minute rocket ride back into the ether we all came from, and in the meantime longing to leave something behind, some kind of initials carved in wet cement, a stain on the planet, something proving I was here even just for the minute we get, you know what I mean? We look to leave a mark like a young drunk’s bruise, we stare at our arms to see the boats our fathers fished on, drawings of what we touched littering our limbs, tattoos. Okay, so, picture the company a hundred years from now: imagine my work is left here somehow, even if the projects and meetings that I led are long gone, it’s gone but my work is left here somehow, my strengths here in the muscle memory of these walls and desks and copiers and rooms—maybe some reports or memos or other documents I’ve typed are left in cabinets like ghosts in attics, dead flowers in the staff break room, thirty years later, come into bloom. Someone sees them and is like: “That’s from a great energy that someone put into their work here. That’s from a team member who was fucking extraordinary.” Everyone getting coffee that morning is just quiet like, “Yep, that’s what that is.”
What was something you didn’t like about
the last company you worked for?
If there’s one sort of revenge fantasy I have about them it is this: I’m kind of on a stage or in a big field that looks lunar, like when you leave Ketchum for Boise. And I’ve dropped a little weight, and I start to scream and kind of sing, but it’s kind of like reading or comedy, too. It’s cool, I’m not explaining it well here, but I’m kind of scream-sing-talking like a ’60s comedian or ’90s punk singer, and it’s lines like: Why naynay naynah I can’t manifest it! Baby, I! Can’t! Float when they drag me down, your company to me, was like swimming in concrete! The whole department, coming on like cherry candy, winding up my deadly make believe! You hired me, played me, caught me, cooked me. I could’ve walked away but I was weightless, on fire; you had me! But my burn faded until your want was wheezing, your devour sated. Me, a frozen moment, hypothermic, one dumb bug there so still, waiting to thaw, goodbye millennium, been here so long it feels like I’m gone. Picture the guitar parts sounding pretty dissonant while I scream that stuff. I’m not going to compare it to other bands you or other people at the company know, because it would be my own thing.
Aside from the position you’re applying for, are there any other skills you’d like to pursue that you feel you might learn here? Sometimes we offer schooling or classes in other areas of interest to employees that express interest in expanding into other fields or departments.
I wouldn’t mind learning more graphics stuff, I guess. I don’t know. Sometimes I think you start believing everything you write on an application or résumé, you know what I mean? It gets hard to remember what you’ve sold yourself. I’m not sure I even know the truth about me at this point.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
The above poem was recently read out in memory of a friend, I think it’s beautiful and needs to be shared.
If you cut a worm in half will you make two worms?
You may have been told as a child that an earthworm will regenerate into two new worms if it’s cut in half crosswise. But if you’ve ever experimented with the tube-like animals, you’ve probably been disappointed.
Though it may not seem like it, earthworms have a distinctive head and tail. The head of a worm is always located on the end closest to the swollen band, called the clitellum, that encircles the animal.
If an earthworm is split in two, it will not become two new worms. The head of the worm may survive and regenerate its tail if the animal is cut behind the clitellum. But the original tail of the worm will not be able to grow a new head (or the rest of its vital organs), and will instead die.
Worms are tough little creatures. If you accidentally cut an earthworm in half while gardening, only half will die. The piece with the saddle (the fatter, pink part) will survive. When it’s really cold outside in winter or baking hot in the summer, worms are able to survive by burrowing deep into the soil - at the same time escaping from light, which they hate.
Can worms breath?
Yes - They breathe through their skin, which must remain moist to absorb oxygen from the air.
Do worms have ears?
No, but they can senses vibrations -
Darwin said: ‘Worms do not possess any sense of hearing. They took not the least notice of the shrill notes from a metal whistle, which was repeatedly sounded near them: nor did they of the deepest and loudest tones of a bassoon. They were indifferent to shouts, if care was taken that breath did not strike them. When placed on a table close to the keys of a piano, which was played as loudly as possible, they remained perfectly quiet’
How do they move?
A worm is a long, creeping animal, with a soft, often segmented body. They don’t have legs but instead are covered in hairs or bristles that help them to move.
Try using a magnifying glass - too see if you can see the bristles or hairs.
What do worms eat?
Worms eat their own weight in organic waste, soil and minerals and excrete their own weight in castings daily, which makes compost and enriches the soil. One acre of worms can break up about 50 tonnes of soil. They don’t eat living plant tissue, and so don’t hurt plants either. They truly are a gardener’s best friend! Some people even keep them as pets, feeding them on kitchen scraps just so the worms can make them lots of lovely compost for their gardens.
Darwin measured how much material they would ingest (eat), and how much they egested (pooped). He estimated how many worms there were on average in a given amount of soil, showing that all the soil in Britain ‘has passed many times through and will again pass many times through, the intestinal canals of worms’.
The rate at which worms process the soil can explain how ancient ruins are buried: Darwin calculated that worms push up eight tonnes of earth through the casts at the entrances of their burrows. He even carried out experiments to show this could happen within a human lifetime, he laid a stone in his garden, which was not to be disturbed, and measured the rate at which the earth was raised around it.
Darwin showed for the first time that worms increase the fertility of soils by aerating and mixing rotting material, this allows better root growth and water retention. By doing so he revolutionised compost heaps everywhere!
How do worms reproduce?
Worms are hermaphrodite, which means they have both male and female reproductive cells. They do need another worm to reproduce with though. They lay their eggs, which hatch as little worms.
How long do worms live for?
Worms can live for up to 10 years.
How long have worms been around for?
They’ve existed for about 600 million years. There are about 34,000 different types of worm; many are so small you wouldn’t be able to see them without a microscope!
Why do worms die if you sprinkle salt on them?
They dry out and the salt damages the mucus that surrounds the worm
Earth worms die when salt is poured on them because high salt concentration destroys their sensitive skin. The skin of the earth worm is used to secrete mucous. This allows for its skin to stay moist needed for its survival. Because earthworms have no respiratory organ, respiration takes place through their skin. When enough salt is poured over them it causes their neurosecetory cells to break down and disrupts the respiration process.
Fun further reading:
What does the worm eat (to the tune of what does the fox say//angry frog).
What does the worm eat (to the tune of what does the fox say//angry frog).